Everything I believed was a lie (or so I'm arriving)

proudly arriving at the enlightenment around my senior year in high school, at the eave of my boyfriend breaking up with me in the all of a sudden rupture to the 'I thought we were going to be significant' type of entitlement, in and the vacancy of misinterpreted reality where I thought life although couldn't be planned, had back allies and ways of short cutting to the good stuff..I arrived at the vision that I didn't need him, or anyone for that matter. That I was just dependent on him for a love I didn't have in myself. I was insecure, I was unsure, I was in high school. I was convinced that God had different plans for me, and I was too inept to see them and focused my plans on him instead. So, for the next two years of college I focused on the prime care-taker of all these future plans, the master of the show; me. Although I dated, I never really put my whole heart into anything or anyone for that matter, I'm sure all of them can tell you that and in reality I realize it was selfish, but the whole time it wasn't for my gratification, it was to make them happy because they seemed so sure about something I was just waiting to be sure about.

It was at this point it dawned on me, you need to love yourself before you love someone else, otherwise you will require in them a need for something you don't have. The phrase "you complete me" really did me in, I really hated it. I thought "I am whole, I don't need anyone else to complete me. I have God, I don't need anyone else."

but it wasn't until literally the past few days when I realized that there is something skewed about this whole proposition. the whole "I have to love myself before I love someone else, I have to focus on me before I can take care of someone else, I have to finish my plans before I involve anyone else." Who gave us that authority, and why do we deserve it? I realized as much time as I've spent trying to clear my head, as much time as I've spent single (4 years now, with no consistent boyfriend and only dates, my last one being a year prior to this post -) I've only concluded that I don't like myself any more or any less, I don't find myself more beautiful, more appealing, more intelligent, more confident than before, I only find that I understand myself more, and in a sense, that's not always a safe thing. The more people invest in themselves, the more they expect out of others and the more they look at themselves as worthy, the more they won't stand for anyone who treats them differently. This is the lie I've been believing.

I think I should start from the beginning (where all things appropriately stem), I am absolutely nothing. I have no credence, or mind or ability to create the things on this earth nor the capacity for Him who created me. Without God, without Jesus, I'm nothing. But He makes me something. That is something I can boast in, I cannot be confident in myself, but I can be confident in what He can do through me. I think I could stand to be a little more insecure, at least it would constantly put me in touch with reality. I have a lot of problems with my appearance, but at surface value, I only do because I believe I'm something better, that I don't deserve to have things wrong with me. When in actuality, I am not the author of what I do and do not deserve, for all of the sin that we as a human race have done, that I myself have done, I don't deserve to have anyone look at me at all. This isn't an unhealthy dwelling on my flaws, its realizing that I always fall short of God's glory and the humanity in that is what makes Him praiseworthy, that there is always something He can help me with. Right now, it is caring for others. Because with this lie, the past four years of my life has been devoted to seeking out my identity, wondering who I am, where I want to go, preparing myself as it were, (all the while thinking, this will humbly show the man I'm supposed to be with that I did all of this for him, and truly improved myself for him).
In some sense, this is true, if you don't consider yourself of any worth and try to look for it in another person, then obviously you will never find it and you will remain hopeless and waiting for the next distraction. But I'm not saying to remain insecure and find your worth in someone else, nor am I saying be independent and find that you have all you need by yourself. Instead, I think to really, truly love someone you don't look at yourself at all, rather you look at God, and that He can, and does fulfill every part of you that you'll ever need, so everything else is a gift.
before, everything else was still a gift to me in the mindset of being independent, I relied on God for everything I need and everything else I received as a portion of grace, in actuality I think what I was doing was relying solely on myself for everything I need and developing requirements for those portions of grace based on what I felt I deserved. God was no longer something I needed.
This is so easy what that phrase "I need to love myself" can turn into so fast. Do we realize that we expect the same out of people that we don't give ourselves? 9 times out of ten, I'll hear someone say "I just wish he/she did this more" when they themselves haven't done it once, If I was in a relationship I'm sure I would do the same.
In the bigger picture, I think we find weakness in others from that which we see as advancements in ourselves. If we think we're strong and independent, its easy to spot out those who are co-dependent and frail, if we have patient attributes, we see impatience so easily in others. In truth, we're administering those weaknesses we think we don't have by pointing them out.
What i'm trying to say I guess is, we're never going to love ourselves enough, and if we do, we love ourselves too much and need to hold off. The more we love ourselves, the less we look at God, the more we can distinguish our qualities, the less likely we wil refer to them as God's glory shining through us, being the sole provider for why those qualities even exist. And the more we focus on ourselves, simply, the less we focus on others. When this happens, we will never be satisfied with what one can give us and we'll always be looking for them to do more and more. We'll never think that someone can love us fully because we love ourselves so much that no one can ever prove to us the love we have set aside as sacred for ourselves. When you spend so much time thinking of your capacity for love, no one. No one will ever be able to meet it, and the more they try, the more you are disappointed. Nothing will be taken as an act of pure unconditional love because love is a point that gets acrossed and nothing merciful, love is treated as an exchange principle, you give me some, I'll give you some, but those two lines are conditional upon each other.
If everyone were to find their hope, their need, their ability to sin, their weakness, their hatred of being proven wrong, their reverence, their gratitude, their seething through getting over things so they can move on to the next level through God, they would find that only He is able to help and guide and nourish and offer the medicine for curing the things we simply can't do on our own but try so hard and convince ourselves its working. It's not. We don't have to love ourselves first. We have to love God first. It says In the beginning, GOD. Not in the beginning, I.
I am just ready to actually start caring for people. In spite of that I've wasted so much time thinking I'd care for them more if I cared for myself. If I have love granted to me by the giver and maker of love, I think I'll be able to care just fine inspite of the self that tries to be an in-between.

The God I believe in

The God I believe in gave the first words for truth,
making the word "faith" only arise in what was left.
He gave me history, love and confidence in trust while at the same time
humbles me in his willingness to let me act freely,
and He intervenes without provoking those who refuse to look His way.
This God I believe by prayer makes my words genuine in request, and enlightened at real pursuit.
He responds to whats needed, and lets me see what I was convinced was, was not.
He shows me I'm not Him, and I can't profess Him to others like I am.
He lets me know He's real, and for everyone spending their life trying to find the truth,
Hoping the contradictions of life will be overlooked and their ideas of it more convincing, He shows me the weight of glory.
The consequences of my ideas, the echo of what would happen if my selfish pursuits would determine all of my actions.
He lets me see his absolute character, and that everything relative, is relative to an absolute.
He shows me purpose, and for the present, he shows me meaning for that purpose.
He shows me those who have spent their lives studying theology, philosophy, history, scientific and archeological research havve all arrived at the same conclusion,
That, in the quiet of their own homes, they all whisper the same word derriving an individual reciprocity of what it means to feel: Hallelujah. The only thing I am thoroughly convinced of, is that Jesus is Lord,
and He, is so good.

June 25

I realized tonight a very thought provoking thing. There is no one on this earth who knows me, truly knows me. My mom knows probably the most, and thats a very small portion of what I choose to tell her. But when I think of how much information they know about me, they could probably tell you what i look like and where i go to school and what my major is, what my interests usually are, what i've previously thought and what they've heard about me from time to time. But I know in my mind there are things they just simply do not know, either because they haven't asked or I havent told. Its such a weird feeling to realize the closest people in your life haven't the slightest clue what you may be on to next. This isn't to say I feel distant in a way, it just feels very lonely to realize, that I may have done this all to myself. I feel very loved by my mom, and my dad and my family most of the time, I feel loved by a few of my friends as well, enough that they've either let me be or didn't press any further when there was an issue I didn't want to share with them. I went to a conference this past week for one of the most amazing influential persons in my whole life, and only one person has asked how it went, and I wouldn't consider that person as close as those who im referring to when i write this. I just feel like I've done this to myself, and I can't get out of it soon enough. Everyone I know, I know so much about, I could probably tell you what they are feeling or doing on any given day, but I've refused to share anything that might hold them accountable to knowing a diary version of me. I feel as though theres somethign sacred in that, that when I die it won't all be clear what happened in my life, just that I was alive. Everyone will have a piece to share that aligns in an honest way, but there will be so many gaps where people just have to trust I carried on doing what I was meant to. It's such a weird way of even writing this, to suggest that I want someone to know this aspect about me, I don't. Right now I'm just addressing it as a weakness. I really would like for this aspect of myself to be gone. The saying goes, if you gain the whole world but lose your soul, what is your worth, but can you just lose your soul? Can you just not gain anything inspite of yourself and distract yourself involving yourself in other peoples lives so you care so much about them that your soul seems unexistent? I'm getting to the point in my own mind where I can't even cry anymore, and thats just begun to worry me, the last time I cried was a near-cry, and it was over having so many things to do during the school year that I couldn't even process normally, I couldn't even create normal thoughts, I was worried I was going mad, and I was dreading what would happen next if it continued. That was the last time, before that I can't remember, and I certainly can't imagine it happening now. I rationalize everything, to the point where I don't get sad anymore, I just get angry, i just have torment that Its so easy for me to put others in front of me, and I expect them to act exactly the same way. I can't believe how much in my lifetime I've heard people say "Well I'm sorry, I'm not you." I've never really let that register. its almost as if I can't give an excuse for other people acting so selfishly, but really they are just looking out for themselves in a healthy way. I'm the one that's not. I can't fathom telling someone about who I am, it just makes me frustrated that I have to tell someone, I'm afriad I'll be dishonest even when I don't intend to. I'm just afriad that slowly, steadily, how my life has been so far, I will continue to slowly push everyone away. I have been doing that since I was in elementary school. I'll transition so easily that people will blame it on time's changing, on people moving in different directions,..but that's not it, its my heart distancing itself before I have time to physically react. It's almost like I have faith in people, and then realize that was a loss because we're all inherently weak, and then I have even more faith in them, and then they don't have faith in themselves, and then I give up and go. All the while, they know nothing about this care, or this thought process moving over their situation and discerning the depths of their heart. They just know that I was there once, and I'm not anymore. When it comes to believeing in God, it seems hard for everyone else, but for me, it's almost a sin how easy it is. Whatever it is that takes the focus off of me, whatever can not illuminate my attributes and His only, that's but a blessing. If the only focus is humility and giving up the parts of me that don't belong, I consider it joy to be replaced with God. He made me to be noticed, though. And I feel as though I'm almost taking away from Him, by replacing myself, as in, I'm His creation for HIm to work through, not for me to expect Him to work through me, without me.

I don't want to be found by anyone but you,
if I want you to find me, I'll search for you
but even then, I'll run

We believe everything is okay, as long as you don’t hurt anyone to the best of your definition of hurt and to your best definition of knowledge. We believe in the therapy of sin. We believe that adultery is fun. We believe that taboos are taboo. We believe that everything is getting better despite evidence to the contrary. The evidence must be investigated and you can prove anything with evidence. Jesus was a good man just like Buddha, Mohammad and ourselves. He was a good moral teacher, although we think basically his good morals were really bad. We believe that all religions are the basically the same, at least the ones we read were. They all believe in love and goodness. They only differ on matters of creation, sin, heaven, hell, God and salvation. We believe that after death comes nothing because when you ask the dead what happens they say nothing. If death is not the end, and if the dead have lied, then it’s compulsively heaven for all except perhaps Hitler, Stalin and Chingis Khan. What is selected is average, what’s average is normal, and what’s normal is good. We believe in total disarmament. We believe there are direct links between warfare and bloodshed. Americans should beat their guns into tractors and the Russians would be sure to follow. We believe that man is essentially good-it’s only his behavior that lets him down. This is the fault of society; society’s the fault of condition; and conditions are the fault of society. We believe that each man must find the truth that is right for him and reality will adapt accordingly; the universe will readjust and history will alter. We believe that there is no absolute truth, except the truth that there is no absolute truth. We believe in the rejection of creeds and the flowering of individual thought.

If Chance be the Father of all flesh, disaster is His rainbow in the sky. And when you hear: “State of Emergency,” “Sniper Kills Ten,” “Troops on Rampage,” “Youths go Looting,” “Bomb Blasts School,” it is but the sound man worshipping his maker.
Modern Thinkers Creed –Steve Turner (edited

It feels weird to even say "i feel this way" or to even title this, I just can't really put to words whats been recently inside my head. I don't know what "i dont feel like myself is" because I've never come to terms with feeling "myself" as a general consistent description of who I am, "myself" is just an everchanging version of a constant line. And I think if I've presumed somethings changed, I've put "myself" in a certain category that is free from constraint of change, in other words. I manipulate that word. Whatever I have been..generally, I feel lately as though I am outside of it. I don't know what's going on. Never so badly have I just wanted to rest for like 2 weeks straight, to just be entirely alone with God. I feel so worked up when I think of everything I have to do, and then doing it just bring on thinking about the other things I have to do after. Last Wednesday I started working on finishing a half-done painting at 9 am. I skipped all of my classes that day in an effort to get it done. 5 pm rolls around and I finally put on the finishing touches, thats about 8 hours worth of non-stop painting, something so relaxing yet the strain behind wanting it done right and wanting to get done faster was like trying to listen to a symphony and ride a roller coaster at the same time. It was nice to have a break where i felt the physical ability of my body and what I'm able to do, up until this point i've just been sitting in front of a computer or writing. I started with a blank canvas, and ended with a painting. Theres something really amazing about that. Anyway, i got done with the painting and immediately left to go to the library as I also had a 10 page paper to write. 6:45am rolls around and I finally print off the paper. I would have been plain tired up until this point, but there was something extra, something about how every day that week was spent going going going. I didn't stop to rest once, I got up in the morning, got ready and immediately began all of the tasks in a day. Yet this day, I had also been on my hands and knees for several hours, straining my neck, my back, my eyes. Then I spent the whole night writing, writing about something I've had difficulty realizing for a really long time, trying to fathom emotions that were never particular to me. After a nap of about 2 and a half hours, I wake up, get ready real fast, load the painting on my bike and ride 20 minutes to school. I then explain to the class trying to hold back tears because of so much effort into this painting and so much heart, so much thought, and just..explaining it to someone I feel gives a little bit of it away, gives a little of your heart away. It was really hard. Why am I so introverted? It was hard, but so, so good. People enjoyed it actually, and I gave it to my teacher as a gift. That day I was also behind on reading so I finished most of that up in between classes and turned in another very important paper I had been working on prior to that day, somehow after my last class I just felt such a burden lift. Even though it was thursay, and there was still one last day in the week, I had the majority of everything done and went to bed knowing it. This weekend has kind of reinstilled everything I was thinking in the process of doing all of these things, that somehow I had a right to be tired and feel a cross between anxiety and physical pain and hurt, and isolation. But the more I think about it now I have pinned every one of my efforts on myself, and didn't question whether I needed help, or I needed to talk to someone else, or I needed..anyone.I just knew whatever I had to do, I had to do it alone. Theres a really significant conceit in that, and I feel as though lately I'm slipping away from how great of a sacrifice God really gave to me, to everyone. I feel as though that sacrifice slips away in the meander of difficult situations. Yes it seems so horrible that God laid his life down for my sin, but it doesn't seem as bad when you've gone two days without sleep, are physically and mentally drained, are challenging your own insanity, and wondering why despite your greatest efforts, you are still considered average, the defeat in that. It seems as though within the pain, the real pain of all of that, I don't consider once that that is just a fraction, not even a visible part of whole reality of pain within this world. Like me feeling such weight, (and even though this seems trivial if read, there is more behind the words than actually said) is to me one of the most hard things ive had to find a way to endure, and this isn't even a glimpse of all the pain in the world. and in that, God knew that, and he knew that pain. he knew it, he knows it, he did it. It's something to see that kind of pain, but to know it- to actually know the repercussions. How can I ever think that my life is but a pity, that my life is something to be sad about, when my Savior saved me. Every inch of confidence I have, detracts from his suffering, but every weakness I have is perfected in his grace. If i forget at all what it means, I can no longer say I'm a Christian. I can no longer profess to believe in God if somehow that cross has diminished in value.

I don't know why I sin so much. And I don't know why God forgives me.

But He does.

my mind breaks in the ink of a pen

everything I write is a contradiction, I find myself more immersed in an author, so fixed that I forget my opinion matters. So I write, and I write, and I write, and then I look at it, and its all a lie. I think this will literally drive me mad. It's such a weird thought when you question if your fingers are actually on par with your head, say my mind is thinking something differently right now to what my fingers are typing? Isn't that what we do a lot of the time? We think something..and then our fingers censor it? I wonder if in the time it took for a thought to reach my hands from my brain, if my perspective changed. I hate when you can't go through an entire sentence without thinking its too vague, its too incomplete, that word is obscure, people might not know what i mean, is this commonsensical?

I used to think I could write "I don't like being a girl" and get away with it, now when I look at that I think is it the principal of girl that i don't like? or what i've seen in a common "girl" is what i don't like? Or i don't like having a girl body, a girl's physical makeup? Now, when I look at that, I realize that girl's commonly act in a way to be desired, not TO desire, but their desire lies in the attention theyre getting from satisfying someone else's desire. They don't, a lot of the times, respect themselves for a real individual person with thoughts, fears, hopes, and dreams, rather they see what makes others happy, they see themselves in others. That's what made me not like being a girl, because it was lonely to think I couldn't like myself.

But i do, and now I'm proud to be a girl.

i don't know how i got there. from there.

anyway.

No one will make us change if the only one we have to face for judgement is ourselves. We won't be motivated by an unjust, deceitful god, because thats what we would be. We spend our lives convincing ourselves we're god just to make ourselves feel better when we realize we're not.

I have to be stubborn when God says He is the way, the truth and the life. I can't argue with that when it's what I searched for my whole life, and the piece of information my purpose needs to be told to be. I won't be stubborn with that not just because I myself believe it to be true, but because He says it is. My surrounding opinions may change like the way everyone worships, but that won't. Even if I wanted it to. If its one thing I've learned in Philosophy it's that people are hesitant, or even afraid to make absolute statements. But I didnt make that one, He did.