June 25

I realized tonight a very thought provoking thing. There is no one on this earth who knows me, truly knows me. My mom knows probably the most, and thats a very small portion of what I choose to tell her. But when I think of how much information they know about me, they could probably tell you what i look like and where i go to school and what my major is, what my interests usually are, what i've previously thought and what they've heard about me from time to time. But I know in my mind there are things they just simply do not know, either because they haven't asked or I havent told. Its such a weird feeling to realize the closest people in your life haven't the slightest clue what you may be on to next. This isn't to say I feel distant in a way, it just feels very lonely to realize, that I may have done this all to myself. I feel very loved by my mom, and my dad and my family most of the time, I feel loved by a few of my friends as well, enough that they've either let me be or didn't press any further when there was an issue I didn't want to share with them. I went to a conference this past week for one of the most amazing influential persons in my whole life, and only one person has asked how it went, and I wouldn't consider that person as close as those who im referring to when i write this. I just feel like I've done this to myself, and I can't get out of it soon enough. Everyone I know, I know so much about, I could probably tell you what they are feeling or doing on any given day, but I've refused to share anything that might hold them accountable to knowing a diary version of me. I feel as though theres somethign sacred in that, that when I die it won't all be clear what happened in my life, just that I was alive. Everyone will have a piece to share that aligns in an honest way, but there will be so many gaps where people just have to trust I carried on doing what I was meant to. It's such a weird way of even writing this, to suggest that I want someone to know this aspect about me, I don't. Right now I'm just addressing it as a weakness. I really would like for this aspect of myself to be gone. The saying goes, if you gain the whole world but lose your soul, what is your worth, but can you just lose your soul? Can you just not gain anything inspite of yourself and distract yourself involving yourself in other peoples lives so you care so much about them that your soul seems unexistent? I'm getting to the point in my own mind where I can't even cry anymore, and thats just begun to worry me, the last time I cried was a near-cry, and it was over having so many things to do during the school year that I couldn't even process normally, I couldn't even create normal thoughts, I was worried I was going mad, and I was dreading what would happen next if it continued. That was the last time, before that I can't remember, and I certainly can't imagine it happening now. I rationalize everything, to the point where I don't get sad anymore, I just get angry, i just have torment that Its so easy for me to put others in front of me, and I expect them to act exactly the same way. I can't believe how much in my lifetime I've heard people say "Well I'm sorry, I'm not you." I've never really let that register. its almost as if I can't give an excuse for other people acting so selfishly, but really they are just looking out for themselves in a healthy way. I'm the one that's not. I can't fathom telling someone about who I am, it just makes me frustrated that I have to tell someone, I'm afriad I'll be dishonest even when I don't intend to. I'm just afriad that slowly, steadily, how my life has been so far, I will continue to slowly push everyone away. I have been doing that since I was in elementary school. I'll transition so easily that people will blame it on time's changing, on people moving in different directions,..but that's not it, its my heart distancing itself before I have time to physically react. It's almost like I have faith in people, and then realize that was a loss because we're all inherently weak, and then I have even more faith in them, and then they don't have faith in themselves, and then I give up and go. All the while, they know nothing about this care, or this thought process moving over their situation and discerning the depths of their heart. They just know that I was there once, and I'm not anymore. When it comes to believeing in God, it seems hard for everyone else, but for me, it's almost a sin how easy it is. Whatever it is that takes the focus off of me, whatever can not illuminate my attributes and His only, that's but a blessing. If the only focus is humility and giving up the parts of me that don't belong, I consider it joy to be replaced with God. He made me to be noticed, though. And I feel as though I'm almost taking away from Him, by replacing myself, as in, I'm His creation for HIm to work through, not for me to expect Him to work through me, without me.