Mon July 13, 09--isn't it weird how

much we think about ourselves?
i mean yeah we’re the ones inhabiting our bodies. but theres 6 billion other people on this earth beside us, not to mention the earth and all of its splendor right there to, yet we still manage to fix ourselves on the borders of our eyelids and skin.
i woke up today at fist with an unexpected raspiness in my throat. I dont know where the sore throat came from but it just led to medicine which led to dreariness and all of the crazy thoughts associated. I successfully covered a 45 year old menopausal womans mood today because my moods changed drastically from 10 am till now. I was reading in blink how it takes so many muscles to contract different facial expressions and how its a cultural development, everyone all over the world has associated the fear expression with tilting the inner brow inward up, the outer brow slightly up, the eyelid wide and the mouth parted…..I betcha just did that to remember what it looks like. Anyway, he was talking about how since certain facial expressions are associated with our moods, they’ll actually trigger those moods. And I spent a lot of time on the angry one just to see if it would work, and my heart started beating faster and I could just feel myself thinking of things to make myself angry. Its not really the facial expression itself i dont think. I think its more your body remembering “okay you’re doing this face and you usually do this face when your angry so you must be angry and im going to respond” type of thing
that had really nothing to do with anything I just thought it was interesting.
another thing thats interesting is that my life revolves around this whole judgement thing. I think that pretty much sums up why today wasnt the best of all days. It was probably one of the worst of all days. But the only one I can blame for that is myself and this tude ive got goin on.
I judge everything it seems like. I have to take in account every inch of its character, sizing up everything i see. Sometimes I feel like just to make myself feel better I have to judge other things I know won’t size up to my stature. I don’t know when it dawned on me but this year the word insecure just seemed to puff out of a cloud one day and settle on my shoulders like a bird out of a cage. I don’t know where all of this insufficient hold of security grabbed me, but it did. hard. and has been. It’s like i have two visions of myself. theres the one that hates to look at my expression at all hours of the day. who hates trying on clothes, going shopping, etc. Who doesnt even feel like leaving the house at times because she is disgusted at her body. and then theres the smaller, integral vision of myself. The one who sees the way God looks at me, a true proverbs 31 woman. Its almost like i see it clearly, and I know i am that woman, I just dont have the motivation to realize it everyday? ugh. it sucks. for lack of a better word. I’m not immature enough to find my security in someone else or try to let someone make me “feel ” beautiful. cause thats so stupid. But I do wish i could feel assurance sometimes. Just encouragement, I suppose.
“All I need is you” just came on my itunes :) hm. pretty neat.

I realize today that from my relationship with my mom and pretty much everyone thats ever been close to me theres only three things in life that annoy me more than anything. I think thats pretty good, only three things. Other than that I think im a pretty free spirit.
they are

1: ingenuity. People that are okay in their hypocrisy or content with a fake lifestyle. People that hide behind themselves.
2. Repetition: Hearing things more than once. especially if you know the person has already assumed you’ve forgotten and thats why theyre telling you a second time.
3. Planners: People who plan everything and have to have a strict plan for everything, who want to know every single aspect of every event and changes are unacceptable

I would like to point out, its more the action itself than any person behind it. I just think all of these actions constrain life. and I don’t like it when I can mentally see people bounded by chains of the actions they have trouble giving up. Says me the most insecure girl..

The reason I’m being so upfront with myself is thats who I am, unadulterated. Ah, I hate the fact that I just spent all this time talking about myself, but thats me, hating myself again and not wishing to talk about it? I could of just as easily erased this whole thing and never posted it, but i chose to and thats me being genuine to my weaknesses. Of course theres only gonna be a few people who read this too and ill have to run the risk of them seeing me but at least they wont receive a carbon copy. I’m just sick of people trying to make themselves cooler or less sinful then this corrupted, ridiculous world has influenced them to be. Sure you’re smart, sure you’re beautiful, sure you’re wise. You’d be more wise if you were happy with it yourself, and not constantly trying to prove to people that you were wise.

I think the most genuine of people are the ones that help people to help people. Think about that the next time you have a really good refute to an argument that may make you look like a king/queen and the other guy an idiot. Are you really doing it just to help them?

I’m preaching to myself. but

I dunno what philosophy has been doing to me, but the more ive been in the major the less i’ve been talking. I’ve maybe said 10 words today, and this isnt even half the thought that goes through my head. I’m on myself all the time for not reading more, for not being knowledgable about all the ancient philosophers works, etc. I only know a wikipedia version of a few of em, I’ll admit. But dangit, what am I doing?? Do you think all the philosophers in their day were sitting around wondering “man, I should be more booksmart about old philosophers..for really no reason but reference and inspiration” NO they were deep in contemplation figuring their own theories. I dunno. I donno what would be better.
I just haven’t spoke much.
Its nice when you speak to someone who really hears you though, even the words you don’t speak.
I know a few people that when they talk, they cover every range of possible side note, rebuttal, reference, perspective, etc. and then whats left for any person conversing with them? you know theyve already ruled out the most important uses to the conversation and have seamingly rehearsed it several times..that somehow sometimes I believe those people only bring up those conversations because theyre so familiar and it is one conversation they can impress others by how many times they’ve been around it and through it.
I know i pass up peoples thoughts in conversation sometimes. But not in reality, they stick in my head. its almost like sometimes you dont want to admit how profound what someone says is because 1) youre too prideful to admit you hadn’t thought of it before or 2) they know its profound and you don’t want to give them the credit.
In all these struggles. I just wish we could be more openly genuine. Like I wish before I said a douschebag comment, i could say “well i’m about to make a douschebag comment”
haha. obviously not that abrupt. because sometimes this world doesn’t need abrupt.
but I wish people were more honest with themselves.

thanks maya, for sharing that too.