I wonder if missing someone is inadvertently selfish. You subjectively place all the characteristics they gave you of themselves, attributing the most outstanding ones at the top of the list and use it to remind yourself of that person. As soon as your away from that person, they are no longer there to correct your misjudgments or prove your conceptions of them correct, so whats left? Memory, and apart from seeing that person again it is the only piece we have of them. And the more we are away, the more the person becomes what we think more than who they are, if not corrected by they themselves. We may see photographs or read about them or even from them, but something must be initiated in our memory about them at first to be kept fed. I dearly miss my friends. I say that as if I am watching them from far away, and they are caught up in whatever they’re doing and don’t notice me admiring them. So that I can just truly long to see whatever they are enjoying, outside of what I think and wish that I were closer to enjoy it more. I guess in this way, it doesn’t matter how they benefit me, because what benefits me is what they enjoy doing. I can’t really make that up in my head. There are some people that I would just enjoy being inside their heads for a day. It helps to be able to talk and hear from people back home, but somewhere the reciprocal understanding of each other dims, somewhere in the middle of the atlantic. Because, I’m not there and they aren’t here, and understanding goes along with similar experience.
I’m finding what it means to long for certain aspects. I would long to tease my mom in person and watch her roll her eyes, I would long to watch my dad try to muster a huge laugh. I would long to be in Muncie for experiences that don’t come twice, to hear Maya talk about her passion (of the day), to pick up leaves with Chloe, to see Jakes perseverance and his journey, to play with Wednesday with Ashley..to Talk to Ben, -how I would long. I would love to just sit with Jordan, Al and Jack. I would love to have coffee with Kev Rhodes. I would sell all I have to see Stevie for an hour, we are like CS Lewis and JR Tolkien, and how I would give just to be at Philosophy club. There’s so many things I long for, and yet I am at peace everyday knowing that however much I want to be home protecting the things I love, God is protecting them for me. The love I cannot give out of my absence, I pray He flows over abundantly to them, showing them how imperfect mine is and how profoundly sufficient his is.
I do not long because I am absent of, no. I long because I never recognized that I wasn’t. Absence makes the heart grow fond, yet when you realize absence never was and never is, your heart is fond. My heart is full of joy, I am just sad that I cannot share it with you, when you are the ones that deserve it.
How beautifully painful it is to see I have every need fulfilled. God is just, and He is good.
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