It’s like saying “something happened that I know for sure-indeed is true. But I disregard it based on how i didn’t expect that it would happen.” I’m here, I’m in Liverpool England. That sounds so weird to say, and yet when I look out my window it makes me think my parents are inthe next room. There’s something weird about this room, it could be that i feel like i’ve eaten shrooms from the jet-lag but i feel so dizzy. Theres so much going on in my head like for instance right now
I’m so cold
Why is it so cold in here? It’ll be okay once i get under my blankets,
i have to wake up early. Really early. Other people do to, i wonder if i should take a shower now or later? I don’t have a straightener. Why is it so cold? I wonder if everyone feels a culture shock no matter what environment their adjusting to..even if its moving down the street, I think so because everytime I’m in a different place I get the same uneasy feeling. I’m uneasy, I miss home, thats really odd. I mean i miss my parents but it just makes me think that before I had power to control when i saw them and when I wanted to see how their doing and now im fifty gazillion miles away it just makes my stomach churn. I found a Bible church down the street, i wonder what its like, maybe ill check it out Sunday. I like my room. I have to share one bathroom with six girls. Should be okay once everyone gets situated. I really hope I can accomplish what I came here to do. I just wish I knew what that thing was that im supposed to do so i could make sure im accomplis…….people here seem nice. but theres something in their faces that makes me sad. you know those hidden expressions, the ones that people make when theyre not reacting to what you say- the in between stages of the prior expression and the next..just enough time to let what you’re really feeling, whats really irking you or whats really on your heart seeps through..it might be a smirk or a little smile or an inch of sadness or hurt. But its there. and I feel like with them its, nothing. I know that sounds terribe but its almost like, theres nothing behind their eyes because they don’t care to have anything show. Almost like they didn’t even think to show an emotion because they think its pointless to do so ?I know all of this sounds horrible but its a lot more sad than it is mean. I just feel so empty talking with them. Almost like they wanted an escape at some point but now they just don’t know how because they don’t care to know how. I feel like this might be all part of the culture shock but who knows.
I remember zach barr made this beautiful piece called “culture shock” a modern musical arrangement of strange sounds, pictures and vibrations from liverpool and I watched it in Sursa. Even though I hadn’t been to Liverpool I could sense what he had experienced just through this piece. And now, now i feel like i’m living exactly the strange way, this strange dream of akward coincedences. When you expect your constructed vision of something to turn out exactly how you imagined and its literally absolutely everything you didn’t. It’s a beautiful and painful thing.
I just wish that I didn’t think I had control over seeing people, because I don’t.what i said back there was a lie, I don’t have control over when i see my parents and when i dont. I choose to think that I do, but really I only say that because we are only on good terms half of the time. I just wish now I could have this same sense of distance and longing when I was with them. I feel so far.
But maybe I only feel so far because i’m only far from that world. Maybe I’m really close to all the places God wants me to be. I feel like all the questions, concerns and uneasiness i have will seize to exist in the next coming weeks- they have to right? I just felt so prepared because i love being alone. But when you’re really alone,
like really alone, with no one you know and even the streets you figured you could relate to you don’t know, you feel that way, alone i mean. But i’m not and I know that. I just feel kinda sad right now. I don’t say this as a “tihs is what needs to be said when a sentence like that is written,” type of comment. But God will definitley help me through this one. I know, because I am actually ready for him to..and the only thing that stands between me and God, is my reservations. He’s been here the whole time.
Besides that, the flight was good, met a guy who gave me a pass to his sky high miles club so got to wait in luxury with cookies and air conditioning, and then took an 8 hour flight between two old men so i couldn’t fall asleep very well, but it was good. They gave us a lot of food…like a lot….and up their you feel so ..constipated and lke your stomachs in knots..just not a good feeling. But it was fine for most of the flight, I watched the soloist. THUMBS UP
I’m just glad knowing that I have such amazing people in my life. Seriously, if I didn’t I would be the happiest girl in the world right now,..but I’m not, i’m tearing up. and that shows you that no matter where you are, you can’t forget who you love.
okay. im gonna try to upload some pics here pretty soon so yeah
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