I guess i’m so concerned with living it up while being here as much as I can that I forget to jot down all the thoughts contained in that. Even if i’m doing absolutely nothing - to not appreciate that I’m doing absolutely nothing and to fill it with something like writing about me doing nothing seems too meticulous. Life is just what it is, slow, fast, but always perceptive - not just perceptive..but you know what i mean. I tried to look at my life as a descriptional column today and realized I’m probably the most boring sounding person in the Universe.
What are your hobbies? Reading, ..hearing Philosophy, conversing about really deep stuff.
What do you do in your spare time? Read, go on walks, pick up leaves, admire nature, listen to music, drink coffee
Whats the most interesting thing about you? I can bend my thumb back and my knees are weird.
I just sound so..i dunno..like I don’t do anything, haha. And to be honest, I really don’t do much. My life is really spent on the simple pleasures, and I guess I enjoy that. But I’m such an ambitious girl that the simple pleasures often get mixed up. For instance, I want to go to Spain or Amsterdam next month - not to see famous sites or anything like that (I mean I will, but) for the majority of the reason is to see my favorite artist play. To watch my favorite voice perform across the world, thats more than anything I could ask for, and to watch it with people across the world loving it just as much as me, well.thats abundance of grace.
In Ireland, the best part of my whole trip there was just looking around me. I didn’t care where I was I was just awed. You break down your scenery to what was and then what now is..and for me all that was, is the most important. Thats what will stand the test of time, the trees, the scent of the air, the way that people react to their environment, how sturdy i feel the ground is holding me. We saw a castle made of stones, put in place one by one so intricately to form this entire structure, one by one, just incredible. I feel like its this false illusion too. Cause for me, basic nature is more exciting than anything ever built, yet we try to fortress even more beautiful things around it to distract us.
I just can’t get out of my head that things are so temporary sometimes. It’s frightening to me to see modern buildings and huge jumbo trons and screens everywhere I go. Screens of live people filmed, when their is live people around us anyway! Why are we more distracted by watching our world on television than watching it in real life? Thats why I really love art, because you take something temporary and make it last. Maybe its something mundane to everyone else, but the fact that you spent so much time on a piece so delicate..that says something about that place in time. You pick one setting, among millions of choices and choose to keep it. So its kept.
I can’t believe the world I live in right now. Everyday I wake up thinking I’m somewhere else and I always have to convince myself I’m in England. Theres something here that doesn’t feel like home, because it isn’t..but I’m so greatful to be in it. I look forward to the time I’m home just to take in what I experienced here, but then I get mad at myself for not taking my experience here more seriously. I thought about when I will get home tonight, about how when I get home I know I’ll recall how many people I saw who didn’t even know what earnest love was and how I didn’t show them my greatest interpretation of it ..and I got really sad, a sincere disappointment in myself, for things to come that I haven’t even been rightly guilty of yet. You expect yourself to sin, and because of that, you do.
I get so confused with myself. For the few months before this I knew I was meant for this trip and I knew that for some reason, God chose me and would send me here. And yet every day I just question my significance. Why was it me, the introverted shy, not really apt to talking about my faith one to go. I just don’t feel i’m making a difference, and perhaps I am but I really don’t know how to go about this. It seems so much easier in my head than when I actually try to talk to people.
I don’t want to think too egotistically that everywhere I go I have to make a difference and people should remember me and blah blah. For all I know this could be Gods way of secluding me from home so he can rebuild me in my head. I don’t know. I know I am growing, it’s just not in the way I fashioned. Which is probably a good thing.
I know one thing is for certain, and to know one thing for certain in such a subjective world would be considered subjective, If it wasn’t built objectively- In the Beginning, God. and because of that, I know everything after comes with “I’ll be okay.” Wherever I am, whatever I do, I’ll be okay for His glory. I can say that when I’m at my lowest, and I can more easily say it when I’m happy..but regardless, I’ll humbly know I always have to follow. Follow after him, follow after his Word, and follow after “made the heavens and the.”
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