Today was like the blink before a tear for autumn. The trees are trying so hard to hold back their leaves but its just coming down in small but gradual loads. the streets are coated and ready to receive. It really is quite beautiful. I think every autumn is significantly unique from the previous years. Or maybe because the scents involved are missed from the great space between november and september. its like this fiery wooded heavy air, the kind thats clear and soft, but warm and inviting. I can’t walk but two feet without wishing my feet weren’t the ones touching the ground, but my whole body. I just feel cradled by this earth at this time. That i could be so far away from home and my Creator shows me through the beauty surrounding that He’s always here. You feel true embrace when the wind wraps itself in your hair, on your skin, its grasping at every part of your arms you try to use while embracing another making it a genuine approach.
I think a lot, how selfish it must be for someone to look upon someone who believes in God trying so desperately to get others to believe in Him too, even forcing it upon them with threats or warnings.so it seems i stay away from that approach. The approach of knowing to save, loving to convert, etc. Is it me that I’m afraid of hurting people? or is it people? Because in reality the only person holding another person back who doesn’t know who Jesus is from knowing who Jesus is, is me. It’s weird to think of it that way. I’m the reason some people are going to Hell. I know its a personal declaration and a personal realization, but if the availability isn’t there in the first place..I want to see the scriptures as alive..when I read them I don’t want to just pass over them, they’ll never actually be heard until i do them.And i’ll never actually do them until I understand what it means to not do them. It seems the biggest and most beautiful thing in my life is the thing I keep a sacred secret. I only let out bits and bits at a time. It’s alive when i read it, and it comes in my dead flesh..so what does it make it. half-alive?
i never usually talk like this.
I’m just frustrated when I see people hurt. But then I think if my approach is really genuine, that I see theyre hurting so i wanna ‘save’ the day by showing them who this Jesus guy is. Or i get frustrated because i don’t just wanna appeal to them when they’re having a bad day, giving them the idea that God is only truly ideal when we’re sad or down, that he’s a last resort and only desires to help, not to be praised. And then i get frustrated that I’m frustrated over something thats actually good, and that its not about me at all..that Jesus wasn’t just a man but he overcomes everything that beautiful and true in this world, we’re all the effect and he’s the cause. I don’t know how i can say all that in words so the person that i think to offer a word to becomes ignored and prayed for instead. How passive. How selfish.
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