I haven't been feeling well much lately so yesterday morning I got up early and took a walk for some fresh air. I'm sick of starting my day late, because it gets dark around 4 and its just kinda depressing. This really helped though,
something about those pearly gray skies just endlessly sweep every thought in your head away . in my case it was sweeping all of the prevalent thoughts in my head that don't matter away and concentrating on what I came here for. I need to remind myself daily that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, I don't know when I'll be able to come back, and I'm across the world. I shouldn't just live as though I do everyday where I take things for granted and assume they'll be there the next day. I shouldn't even do that at home, but perhaps this will be a lesson to me.
I hate that the most prevalent things on your mind are seemingly the ones least important...I hold off on dwelling about the most important thoughts because I know they will take time and effort, I know they'll always be there resting and waiting on me to sort through them..so I just let them be. and they grow, and grow. Till finally you get to a place where I was yesterday, walking outside here
I look at those leaves so smashed into the pavement from the tread of people walking all over them, how beautiful they still are while they were in the trees and now going back to the earth where they started. they paint the ground with their colors and even the mud can't cover it up all the way. Its just incredible. I feel so privileged to live on this earth.
Anyway. I am on this walk, and once I get one question out, a number of others ones come right alongside of it. I've almost cornered God and I won't let him leave my conscious until he's given me a broad definition so I can go back and think about (but not really, cause im too protective of my thoughts) telling others of how He showed me outrightly what I was looking for. I'll just put it bluntly, I seek in God that which I predict He'll say. I realize this a lot more lately, after reading some philosophy of a very prevalent Marxist. Although I don't agree with what he says for the most part, I did resonate with something he said in a passage i read the other day. It was something like "to believe is to just increase the nihilism of man, he martyrs himself for his own sustainment and self righteousness and prays not out of desire, but duty - he receives word from God out of his own conscience, picking and choosing words "from God""--- that was entirely a summary and nothing at all like what I read, but maybe i'll get the real text later on here. the point is, a lot of the times I learn, I seek, and I argue about God and the topics surrounding God and in that sense I learn about Him but I don't learn through Him, I don't speak TO him I speak about Him, and in that sense..through my intellect, I prescribe qualities more of what I like about Him and not what He truly is
so I'm on this walk trying to just talk to God, not talk about Him or tell Him why I love Him or be a conversation with primarily me talking ..I actually just talked to Him, like normal, and waited for a response, like normal. But instead of having in mind things I would preconceive He would say, I apologized for trying to predict them. In a split second of what wasn't even words but a combination of breath, air, image, and my brain responding to my soul God showed me that just like the river and the nature around me I was in His world, not He was in mine. I don't mean that as He's not involved in mine - I mean it as though, I can't go around corrupting my own system..creating a world in which I solve it at the same time, adding God whenever need be and asking Him only when I require assistance
He's a real God. and everyday by dusk I realize that, and everyday at dawn I wonder how I was so convinced the night prior, because I have difficulty again.
A lot of people have trouble knowing God is real, I am the exact opposite, I know He is, I know it with my whole head. It is the believing I have trouble with, I know it, but I have trouble believing it. Cause it is easy for me to obey his Word, but its hard for me to grasp it. I don't know the connection yet between my heart and head..but somewhere its there. I just know that the best part of my life is finding a new reason everyday why I do believe, and that comes from knowing.
as in. a lot of people spend their whole life trying to know why God exists, and everyday i wake up ready for God to show me another reason to believe in Him, because I know him. He knows me,
better than I know Him.
I can't believe I am this loved. I cant believe I have the freedom to question my own God and He still loves me.
I thought about it today if someone asked me "Whos the supreme being of this world concrete answer" and at first i thought it was kind of ..cocky sounding and maybe even subjective to say "God, as in the Trinity three in one" --but the fact that I figured that as cocky sounding is just a result of my own insecurity. Why should anyone take any offense from that which is absolutely, objectively true. It may be also true in my opinion, but primarily, its true. It's been out there since the beginning of time, floating amonst us waiting to be discovered, we just haven't noticed it.
Do you think gravity didn't exist before we noticed it?
okay. so I'm tired,
I open up way too much on this thing. I never do this elsewhere. no idea where it comes from.
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