I know this [quote] is true, and I know that right now I'm probably just being overananalytic (if there is such a thing) I just can't seem to have a level head about anything right now. I know that I am learning so much, but your heart grows weak when all the thoughts you have are jumbled together and not shared with anyone. I generally don't care that I am heard or even talked to but when you can't see what or where your ideas are going to play into life you feel so selfish and so isolated from everything. I've spent the whole day in my room learning about Kant and though I feel so strongly on the subject, I know these ideas are just going to remain in my head because i feel so uncomfortable and so out of sync with the rest of everyone else - its almost as if someone has to start off a sentence and I will finish it, i can't start it off myself. I feel so distant from everything, I feel so close to God when I am outside and when I've set aside time for him but He's really allowing me to see how lonely I can make myself.
its almost as if everyone my age has started their life- no matter where [geographically] and by influence of their environment theyve all learned to talk and write and speak correspondingly, and I just don't know how. I feel so awkward all of the time, i just don't feel like I fit. at all. I feel like I was wrought for another generation, but I don't know what generation that would be because i just don't feel at place anywhere. Which I know is a good thing in a sense, I mean in the Bible it says we are strangers of this earth and our kingdom is elsewhere,..but I mean just in the reality of things..I get so passive and so stressed over the littlest things yet can feel so relaxed and laid back over anything concerning my life. It's like I'm okay by myself, but I'm constantly in thought over other people that theyre stresses begin to be my own.
If you listen to the words of Bon Iver's song flume - he says
"Only love is all maroon,
lapping lakes like leery loons"
and Everyone has a different opinion of what this obscure lyric means, I'm sure to a lot of people it just looks like a piece of trying to be individual emotional angst, but whatever. why does music ever deserve to be depreciated when made fair, as in, created by someone who felt it, so what if its emotional, its supposed to be. to me I see this as maroon being that color- when you visualize - so rich and passionate yet such a harsh painful color at the same time, almost like a blur of equally characterized opposites, for instance when you're in love without conditions and are struggling to do everything you can without considering yourself at all. the weight of passion included in realizing how selfish your akin to be and how not youre trying to become for another, and at the same time the fervor you put into it, the time you spend without expecting anything in return and with no idea in mind of any distant focal point to aim for. Only love is that way, however painful it might be.
and a loon, as I'm told is the state bird of Minnesota which happens to be a very eery unexpected and mysterious kind of a creature that delves into water and comes up hundreds of feet away, just the imagery of this is amazing. those two vastly different lines i think come together to maybe tell of unexpectancies, of ourselves, of our ambition, of love itself. what we put in is what we wish to receive in return at most times, whether subconsciously or consciously, but in the end we get way more than we sought, by growth. its when people show for us nothing in return when they had the same advantage that we start feeling used, but why do we feel used.
I feel as though in my mind I've set up a place of comfort where I feel the most at home, and whoever I meet has a requirement to abide by that or fit into that environment. Almost like in my head theres a living room and theres only so many people that would go along with that environment..and it makes me see people for what i think they do wrongly, not focusing on the good things they do but what I see them do wrong.
we a lot of the times see in people the opposite of the traits we believe we have - as in, if I think I'm really patient..its easy for me to see others impatience, or if I think I'm really selfless, I see other people's selfishness. Ironically it takes a dramatic situation before we realize maybe we're arrogant and someone else is humble.
when you say youre in love, does it mean you're in love so long as some point in life the person youre in love with will regard it, or benefit you in return, or balance your qualities, or profit your life? or does it mean that you truly are in love with that person's qualities without reciprocation on your end, without regard and without display
i just don't know.
but I think I've gotten myself deeper than I thought.
A lot of the times I get angry when philosophers or just anyone in general tries to sound more intelligent than they are by words or by generic body language, I wish that they would just say what they think instead of weighing it down with terms people don't understand..but lately i've been seeing how beautiful proper language is, and that if we keep dumbing it down the future of language is at stake, while if we continue to speak educatedly we'll influence eloquence. I really don't know where this came from.
I hate speaking from my heart more than my head. and I feel like I just did that. but sometimes it's good to just be whatever you are for the moment to sit back and notice it, otherwise when you try to go back and write something else, it isn't genuine.
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